Editors note: Posted December 31, 2001, this is a 'crossover'
of Amazons and 'Lord of the Rings.' What follows has been edited
for clarity, but does contain modern phrasing, much humor, and a
lot of love.
"Hear ye, hear ye."
At once, all the Amazons in the camp stopped what they were
doing and turned their attention to Celosia. Their errant queen
had returned, for Artemis only knew how long, and had brought
with her a few new ideas. The sisters eagerly awaited what they
thought would be a very important announcement.
"I have decided," Celosia began, "that Peter
Jackson is not the only one who can adapt Lord of the Rings. For
our solstice celebration, we are going to perform our own
version of Tolkein's classic tale."
There were many mumbles among the confused sisters.
"Who's Peter Jackson? Should we like him? What's Lord of
Celosia clapped her hands. "I'm sure you all have many
questions. That doesn't matter, because anything you need to
know you will learn from your director - namely me. I have
already cast each of you, so you have no need to worry about
your auditions. Jadea you will be 'Frodo,' a young Hobbit who
carries a heavy burden. Samsara, you will play 'Samwise,'
Frodo's best friend and fellow Hobbit."
"Why am I Sam? Why can't I carry a burden?" Samsara
asked, eager to have a very important role.
"Because you're short. So is Sam. Medea, you will play
'Merry,' who is descried as the happiest of Hobbits."
Medea frowned and crossed her arms. "I don't do Happy
"You do now. You're short, and 'Medea' sounds a lot like
'Merry.'" At her sister's raised eyebrow, Celosia added,
"Okay, so 'Medea' and 'Merry' both begin with 'me.' Moving
right along, Xela, you are to be 'Pippin' and before you can ask
why, it's because that's where I want you to be.
"Not only will I be directing this production, but I
will also be playing Gandalf the Gray, great wizard extraordinaire."
Medea snorted. "Why do you get to be the great
"Because I am old and wise and I have seen many things.
And because I only show up when there's trouble." No one
could argue with this fact.
"Valkyra, you shall be 'Aragorn,' also known as
'Strider,' and watch over Frodo and the rest of the Hobbits.
Thalia you shall play Legolas the Elf."
"Why am I an Elf?" the master scout asked.
Celosia paused for a second and looked at the ground.
"Because . . . um . . . ahwommeddazeeyooeneffeers,"
she muttered, then took a breath to continue.
Before she could, however, every Amazon in the crowd shouted
Celosia pursed her lips, brushed her hair out of her eyes and
stomped her foot. "Because I wanted to see her in Elf
ears," she yelled. All the Amazons laughed - all except
Thalia. The Queen cleared her throat and continued. "Deoris
will play 'Gimli' and Seriana will play 'Boromir.' Any
Many hands shot up in the air.
"Good, no questions, we'll go straight to
Hours later, Samsara, Jadea, Medea, and Xela stood huddled
together, playing with their recently curled hair and picking at
the glued on fur at their feet. Deoris sat on a stool,
thoughtfully stroking her fake beard, while Seriana and Valkyra
tried to act like men.
"Celosia," Jadea said. "This won't work."
"What do you mean it won't work? It will work
Jadea shook her head, then pushed the wayward curls out of
her eyes. "No, it won't. None of us know the story, or our
characters, and if this ring is so great and powerful, why isn’t
Caesar after it? This is just full of holes."
"Yeah," Samsara joined in. "What's my
Other Amazons began to speak all at once.
"Fine, fine! No ‘Lord of the Rings, Amazon style’.
We'll just have an uninspired, non-masterful adaptation of ‘A
Christmas Carol’. Samsara can be Tiny Tim."
Samsara threw a wad of fake foot fur at Celosia, only to
watch it fall pitifully short of its mark.
"However," Celosia continued, "Thalia must
wear the Elf ears as the Ghost of Christmas Past!"
Seri was having a lovely time sneaking up on Jadea from
different angles and looking determinedly crazy.
"What are you doing?" Thalia asked, not
"Shh! I'm gonna get the Ring."
"Jadea hasn't got a Ring."
"Oh, come on! Play along. I love being the bad
Thalia sighed. "Seri, they've called off the game."
Seri broke character and stood up straight. "They
"If you'd read the announcement board, you'd know these
things. Now will you get rid of that stupid horn?"
Seri looked down at the cardboard-and-staples horn hanging on
her hip. "Do I have to?"
"I guess so" Thalia flicked one of her pointed
ears. "Celooosiaaa, how much longer do I have to have these
on?" She whined.
"’Til I say so!" The Queen yelled back.
Thalia scrunched her face and made to morph her ears back to
regular shape when she was bonked in the head by an apple.
"I don't think so!" Came Celosia's voice,
coincidentally from the same direction from which the apple was
flung. "Keep ‘em on, or dish duty for a week!"
"Fine, fine," Thalia grumbled, but not before
scooping up the apple. "Hey, Seri, catch!"
"Huh?" Seri turned just in time for the apple to
bonk her in the forehead. "Ow! Hey! Get back here!"
Thalia giggled and took off, Seriana close behind her.
"Valkyra help!" The Head Scout squealed, hiding
behind the Amazon.
Cassia watched as the two Amazons ran by. She watched them
for a moment, then looked down at her niece. "Naiya, there
are days when I question the wisdom of coming here. This may
just be one of them."
She wondered for a moment if she’d have to put them down
for a while.
The Amazons sweep by again, and she has to pull a Marilyn
Monroe with her skirt. "I'll be in the med hut."
After a few moments of intense and secretive labor, Seri
marched up to Jadea and slammed a ring into her hand.
"There!" she declared. "There's your cursed
Ring: now PLAY."
Jadea juggled it experimentally in one hand. "Seri, this
is a twisty-tie."
"You got it off a produce bag from Food 4 Less, didn't
"And what if I did? It's got powers!"
Jadea rolled her eyes and obligingly put the Ring on.
Seri went nuts. "What are you doing? Take it off! It's
"But you just told me to put it on."
"No, I told you to play. It doesn't involve putting the
Ring on: that's dangerous."
"Then what should I do with it?"
"Put it on this chain around your neck." Seri gave
her a chain.
"Seri . . . this is made out of the wrappers of
"You ate all the chocolate coins, didn't you?"
Seri looked around for escape. "Um . . ."
She hit the dirt as Medea's arrow came hurtling past her
Deoris, once she landed with Samsara, sat off to one side and
watched the Controversy of the Ring. She itched under the fake
beard Queen Celosia had ordered her to wear. "Gimli,"
She had, of course, no idea who that was. The entire Ring
fable was only marginally familiar to her. Unable to read, she
had only heard others tell pieces of the elaborate story. Okay,
there had been that nasty puppet show, but it hadn't really
helped, and it had been ages since she'd seen that.
She thought, vaguely, that Gimli was some kind of big dwarf
who carried a huge axe and killed things. Well, that was fine
with her. She could stomp around and heft a big axe at Romans as
well as the next Amazon, she supposed.
Gimli itched under the fake horsehair beard again and
grumbled. Isn't that what dwarves did?
Thalia screeched to a halt as she realized Seri was no longer
chasing her. Composing herself and brushing dust off of her elf
uniform, she joined the others in the slowly growing circle.
"Ooh, you have the ring!" She exclaimed.
"You mean twist-tie," Jadea held it up.
"But a powerful twist tie!" Thalia examined it
closely. "It's the Twisty of Power! Can you read the
"Thal... er, Legolas, there IS no inscription, it's just
a twist tie!" Jadea was getting impatient.
"Oh yeah, you have to throw it in the fire to read
it!" The biomorph exclaimed, and before Jadea could react
she had snatched it out of her hand and tossed it into the fire.
Within moments, the twist tie had disintegrated.
"Uh, oops," Thalia blushed as everyone glared at
her. "Anybody got an extra twist tie?"
Watching the insanity from a "safe" distance,
Celosia was unsure of what to do. "Hrm," she said out
loud. "What would Gandalf do?"
She sat on a stump, thinking to herself as first Thalia and
then Seriana ran by, the latter apparently chasing the former
for burning up the One Ring- er, Twisty.
"Ser, we have other twisties," the Scout-turned-Elf
yelled over her shoulder as she ran behind a tree.
"Yeah, but we're supposed to have only one! That's why
it's the One Twisty," her sister shouted as she ran around
the other side of the tree.
Celosia rolled her eyes. "Seriana," she said loud
enough for the other Amazon to hear. Seriana stopped dead in her
tracks, knowing that tone of voice and the command held within.
Celosia tugged at a ring on her left forefinger, pulled it
off, and then tossed it to the other Amazon. "Use this for
now. But there will be no burning it in any flame! Do you
understand me?" Seriana nodded. "Thalia/Legolas?"
The other Amazon looked at her feet and nodded.
Satisfied that this minor confrontation was for the moment
resolved, Celosia went back to trying to get inside Gandalf's
Seriana sprinted toward Thalia/Legolas. "Gandalf has
magically brought the ring back."
"Good. Where's Frodo?"
Calling from several yards away, Jadea answered: "Frodo
is not home or is unable to answer. Please leave your name, the
date and time, and your message at the sound of the beep.
BEEEEEEEEEP." She smiled to herself, knowing full well that
the ploy wouldn't work.
"Yo! Merry! More wine!"
Medea launched a bottle of the yummy liquid toward Jadea. The
latter caught the bottle easily (Merr- er, Medea was a good
aim...most of the time). "Thanks!" She called out and
received a nod in return.
As Jadea/Frodo turned the bottle to pour, she was pelted with
three snowballs. The middle of her back had a nice splash of
white. The bottle was turned right side up now.
"Hmmm . . . what would Frodo do in this situation?"
A short pause. "STRIIIIIIIDDDEEERRRRRRR!"
"Have no fear, Frodo! I’m coming to save all you ugly
little hobbits!" shouted Valkyra/Aragorn as she came
running with an armful of snowballs.
She started throwing snowballs left and right at anyone who
looked her way including Jadea. She then cried out, "Don’t
worry! Legolas! You cute little pointy-eared elfin thing! I’ll
protect you from those faceless riders!" She then threw
snowballs at Seriana and Thalia.
Soon everyone was chasing Valkyra/Aragorn. As she ran near
Celosia, she stopped, grinned and took aim. Celosia/Gandalf
looked at her sternly and decreed, "Throw even one snowball
at me and you get latrine duty for a week!"
Valkyra pouted, "But I don’t wanna be Strider! I want
to be Galadriel, Lady of the Golden Wood. After all, I already
have the golden hair and the blue eyes and I am already
"Ohhhh, Valkyra! Or Aragorn or Galadriel, whatever you
are!" Valkyra turned around just in time to get a big puffy
snowball right in the kisser. She wiped the snow from her face
to reveal a grinning Thalia and Seriana.
"Eee!" The elf and Amazon took off and hid behind
trees as Valkyra glared at them.
"The Lady of the Golden Wood does NOT take kindly to
assaults!" Valkyra shouted. "Guards!"
Valkyra turned to Celosia/Gandalf. "I don't get guards?
She had guards in the movie!"
Celosia shrugged. "Not enough pointy eared
"Fine" Valkyra scooped up handfuls of snow and ran
Celosia continued to sit upon her stump, playing with her
bubble pipe, contemplating what it was to be Gandalf. She was so
lost in thought she didn't hear the soft 'shhh!' behind her.
WHAP! She was barraged with snowballs from all sides.
"Amazons!" She shouted as Thalia, Jadea, Seri and
Valkyra giggled. Brandishing her staff, she sent snowballs
flying into each Amazon.
"No fair, she gets magic! I don't get guards and she
gets magic?" Valkyra brushed the snow off of her.
"Two can play at that game!" Thalia/Legolas bent
the front of one of her arrow and mounted a snowball onto it.
"Oh shoot," Celosia/Gandalf started to run, but
Thalia quickly shot it right at her, smacking the Amazon Wizard
in the backside.
Jadea stood up and waved her hands around. "Poof!"
she cried. "There - I now pronounce you, Valkyra, are
Galadriel! Now - Would the REAL Aragorn PLEASE stand up? And get
your butt over here! I'm covered in snow!
"Since everyone else is here, I'll be Aragorn. Just . .
. what does Aragorn do?" Cassia asked from the sidelines.
"Way to go Cassia. I'm glad you feel like jumping in.
Aragorn he . . . well . . . he stomps around a lot and waves a
big long stick. Okay, it's a sword. Jadea thinks he's kind of
‘rough-looking’." Celosia remarked.
"But not in a bad way! I never said in a bad way!"
"Okay, ‘rough looking in a good way.’ Is that even
"Sure. Why not?"
"Um. So, yeah. Anyone else got any character traits to
"Well, he's very committed to helping Frodo destroy the
ring, and to saving his kingdom. He’s afraid of his weakness,
which might tempt him to take the ring and . . . well, we never
really play much in character anyway! Legolas is just . . .
well, he's Legolas. I got pointy ears," Thalia shrugged.
Celosia/Gandalf came to a scrambling halt, then turned back
to Thalia/Legolas and placed her hands on her hips.
Thalia/Legolas quickly recognized that look and took off
running, sprinting into the forest and up a tree. Unfortunately,
Cassia/Aragorn hadn't been with the tribe long enough to realize
that Thalia/Legolas was in biiiiiiiiggg trouble.
She followed Thalia/Legolas to the tree she had climbed.
"Thalia/Legolas, what are you doing in the tree?" she
asked innocently enough. Thalia/Legolas tried desperately to
quiet Cassia/Aragorn, waving one arm rapidly while gripping to
the tree, but it was too late. Celosia/Gandalf had figured out
where she was.
"Oh Thalia/Legolas," Celosia/Gandalf cooed.
"Get your behind down from the tree and face your
punishment like an Amazon/elf!"
Thalia/Legolas grimaced and slowly climbed down, only to have
Celosia/Gandalf grab onto one of her pointy elf ears and begin
dragging her back to the middle of the camp.
"Ow! Celosia/Gandalf, that hurts!" Suddenly,
Thalia/Legolas found herself flying toward the ground as
Celosia/Gandalf held up the prosthetic pointy ear that had been
attached to Thalia/Legolas's head.
"Oops," Celosia/Gandalf said.
Moments earlier, Samsara and Karma watched Celosia/Gandalf
drag Thalia/Legolas to the middle of the camp. She smiled to
herself and adjusted the fur on her body.
"Well, there's my opportunity," she whispered to
her daughter. She charged toward Gandalf - at this point holding
a prosthetic ear in her hand - and tackled her, screaming,
"IT'S A BOMB! IT'S A BOMB!"
Everyone stopped for a moment, frozen in their tracks.
"A bomb?" some said, confused.
"NOW!" Samsara/wise shouted. What seemed to be
thousands of snowballs came crashing down on the Queen from the
hands of many Teloans. Samsara/wise got up just in time and ran
to Thalia/Legolas, scooping her up and dashing away.
A great laughter filled the crisp air as Samsara/wise put
down the elf. The Goddess was laughing hard, so hard in fact
that she didn't notice everyone had stopped laughing. A minute
later, she realized something was amiss. She turned around only
to be greeted with a ton of snowballs from her Themiscyran
sisters, including Thalia/Legolas.
"TRAITORS!" she shouted, collapsing under the
weight of the snow. "I'll get you for this!"