Lord of the Twisty:

The Fellowship of the Amazons


Editors note: Posted December 31, 2001, this is a 'crossover' of Amazons and 'Lord of the Rings.' What follows has been edited for clarity, but does contain modern phrasing, much humor, and a lot of love.


"Hear ye, hear ye."

At once, all the Amazons in the camp stopped what they were doing and turned their attention to Celosia. Their errant queen had returned, for Artemis only knew how long, and had brought with her a few new ideas. The sisters eagerly awaited what they thought would be a very important announcement.

"I have decided," Celosia began, "that Peter Jackson is not the only one who can adapt Lord of the Rings. For our solstice celebration, we are going to perform our own version of Tolkein's classic tale."

There were many mumbles among the confused sisters. "Who's Peter Jackson? Should we like him? What's Lord of the Rings?"

Celosia clapped her hands. "I'm sure you all have many questions. That doesn't matter, because anything you need to know you will learn from your director - namely me. I have already cast each of you, so you have no need to worry about your auditions. Jadea you will be 'Frodo,' a young Hobbit who carries a heavy burden. Samsara, you will play 'Samwise,' Frodo's best friend and fellow Hobbit."

"Why am I Sam? Why can't I carry a burden?" Samsara asked, eager to have a very important role.

"Because you're short. So is Sam. Medea, you will play 'Merry,' who is descried as the happiest of Hobbits."

Medea frowned and crossed her arms. "I don't do Happy Hobbit."

"You do now. You're short, and 'Medea' sounds a lot like 'Merry.'" At her sister's raised eyebrow, Celosia added, "Okay, so 'Medea' and 'Merry' both begin with 'me.' Moving right along, Xela, you are to be 'Pippin' and before you can ask why, it's because that's where I want you to be.

"Not only will I be directing this production, but I will also be playing Gandalf the Gray, great wizard extraordinaire."

Medea snorted. "Why do you get to be the great wizard?"

"Because I am old and wise and I have seen many things. And because I only show up when there's trouble." No one could argue with this fact.

"Valkyra, you shall be 'Aragorn,' also known as 'Strider,' and watch over Frodo and the rest of the Hobbits. Thalia you shall play Legolas the Elf."

"Why am I an Elf?" the master scout asked.

Celosia paused for a second and looked at the ground. "Because . . . um . . . ahwommeddazeeyooeneffeers," she muttered, then took a breath to continue.

Before she could, however, every Amazon in the crowd shouted "What?"

Celosia pursed her lips, brushed her hair out of her eyes and stomped her foot. "Because I wanted to see her in Elf ears," she yelled. All the Amazons laughed - all except Thalia. The Queen cleared her throat and continued. "Deoris will play 'Gimli' and Seriana will play 'Boromir.' Any questions?"

Many hands shot up in the air.

"Good, no questions, we'll go straight to costuming."

Hours later, Samsara, Jadea, Medea, and Xela stood huddled together, playing with their recently curled hair and picking at the glued on fur at their feet. Deoris sat on a stool, thoughtfully stroking her fake beard, while Seriana and Valkyra tried to act like men.

"Celosia," Jadea said. "This won't work."

"What do you mean it won't work? It will work perfectly."

Jadea shook her head, then pushed the wayward curls out of her eyes. "No, it won't. None of us know the story, or our characters, and if this ring is so great and powerful, why isn’t Caesar after it? This is just full of holes."

"Yeah," Samsara joined in. "What's my motivation?"

Other Amazons began to speak all at once.

"Fine, fine! No ‘Lord of the Rings, Amazon style’. We'll just have an uninspired, non-masterful adaptation of ‘A Christmas Carol’. Samsara can be Tiny Tim."

Samsara threw a wad of fake foot fur at Celosia, only to watch it fall pitifully short of its mark.

"However," Celosia continued, "Thalia must wear the Elf ears as the Ghost of Christmas Past!"


Seri was having a lovely time sneaking up on Jadea from different angles and looking determinedly crazy.

"What are you doing?" Thalia asked, not inappropriately.

"Shh! I'm gonna get the Ring."

"Jadea hasn't got a Ring."

"Oh, come on! Play along. I love being the bad guy."

Thalia sighed. "Seri, they've called off the game."

Seri broke character and stood up straight. "They have?"

"If you'd read the announcement board, you'd know these things. Now will you get rid of that stupid horn?"

Seri looked down at the cardboard-and-staples horn hanging on her hip. "Do I have to?"


"I guess so" Thalia flicked one of her pointed ears. "Celooosiaaa, how much longer do I have to have these on?" She whined.

"’Til I say so!" The Queen yelled back.

Thalia scrunched her face and made to morph her ears back to regular shape when she was bonked in the head by an apple.

"I don't think so!" Came Celosia's voice, coincidentally from the same direction from which the apple was flung. "Keep ‘em on, or dish duty for a week!"

"Fine, fine," Thalia grumbled, but not before scooping up the apple. "Hey, Seri, catch!"

"Huh?" Seri turned just in time for the apple to bonk her in the forehead. "Ow! Hey! Get back here!" Thalia giggled and took off, Seriana close behind her.

"Valkyra help!" The Head Scout squealed, hiding behind the Amazon.


Cassia watched as the two Amazons ran by. She watched them for a moment, then looked down at her niece. "Naiya, there are days when I question the wisdom of coming here. This may just be one of them."

She wondered for a moment if she’d have to put them down for a while.

The Amazons sweep by again, and she has to pull a Marilyn Monroe with her skirt. "I'll be in the med hut."


After a few moments of intense and secretive labor, Seri marched up to Jadea and slammed a ring into her hand.

"There!" she declared. "There's your cursed Ring: now PLAY."

Jadea juggled it experimentally in one hand. "Seri, this is a twisty-tie."


"You got it off a produce bag from Food 4 Less, didn't you?"

"And what if I did? It's got powers!"

Jadea rolled her eyes and obligingly put the Ring on.

Seri went nuts. "What are you doing? Take it off! It's evil!"

"But you just told me to put it on."

"No, I told you to play. It doesn't involve putting the Ring on: that's dangerous."

"Then what should I do with it?"

"Put it on this chain around your neck." Seri gave her a chain.

"Seri . . . this is made out of the wrappers of chocolate coins."


"You ate all the chocolate coins, didn't you?"

Seri looked around for escape. "Um . . ."

She hit the dirt as Medea's arrow came hurtling past her head.


Deoris, once she landed with Samsara, sat off to one side and watched the Controversy of the Ring. She itched under the fake beard Queen Celosia had ordered her to wear. "Gimli," she repeated.

She had, of course, no idea who that was. The entire Ring fable was only marginally familiar to her. Unable to read, she had only heard others tell pieces of the elaborate story. Okay, there had been that nasty puppet show, but it hadn't really helped, and it had been ages since she'd seen that.

She thought, vaguely, that Gimli was some kind of big dwarf who carried a huge axe and killed things. Well, that was fine with her. She could stomp around and heft a big axe at Romans as well as the next Amazon, she supposed.

Gimli itched under the fake horsehair beard again and grumbled. Isn't that what dwarves did?


Thalia screeched to a halt as she realized Seri was no longer chasing her. Composing herself and brushing dust off of her elf uniform, she joined the others in the slowly growing circle.

"Ooh, you have the ring!" She exclaimed.

"You mean twist-tie," Jadea held it up.

"But a powerful twist tie!" Thalia examined it closely. "It's the Twisty of Power! Can you read the inscription?"

"Thal... er, Legolas, there IS no inscription, it's just a twist tie!" Jadea was getting impatient.

"Oh yeah, you have to throw it in the fire to read it!" The biomorph exclaimed, and before Jadea could react she had snatched it out of her hand and tossed it into the fire. Within moments, the twist tie had disintegrated.

"Uh, oops," Thalia blushed as everyone glared at her. "Anybody got an extra twist tie?"


Watching the insanity from a "safe" distance, Celosia was unsure of what to do. "Hrm," she said out loud. "What would Gandalf do?"

She sat on a stump, thinking to herself as first Thalia and then Seriana ran by, the latter apparently chasing the former for burning up the One Ring- er, Twisty.

"Ser, we have other twisties," the Scout-turned-Elf yelled over her shoulder as she ran behind a tree.

"Yeah, but we're supposed to have only one! That's why it's the One Twisty," her sister shouted as she ran around the other side of the tree.

Celosia rolled her eyes. "Seriana," she said loud enough for the other Amazon to hear. Seriana stopped dead in her tracks, knowing that tone of voice and the command held within.

Celosia tugged at a ring on her left forefinger, pulled it off, and then tossed it to the other Amazon. "Use this for now. But there will be no burning it in any flame! Do you understand me?" Seriana nodded. "Thalia/Legolas?" The other Amazon looked at her feet and nodded.

Satisfied that this minor confrontation was for the moment resolved, Celosia went back to trying to get inside Gandalf's head.


Seriana sprinted toward Thalia/Legolas. "Gandalf has magically brought the ring back."

"Good. Where's Frodo?"

Calling from several yards away, Jadea answered: "Frodo is not home or is unable to answer. Please leave your name, the date and time, and your message at the sound of the beep. BEEEEEEEEEP." She smiled to herself, knowing full well that the ploy wouldn't work.

"Yo! Merry! More wine!"

Medea launched a bottle of the yummy liquid toward Jadea. The latter caught the bottle easily (Merr- er, Medea was a good aim...most of the time). "Thanks!" She called out and received a nod in return.

As Jadea/Frodo turned the bottle to pour, she was pelted with three snowballs. The middle of her back had a nice splash of white. The bottle was turned right side up now.

"Hmmm . . . what would Frodo do in this situation?" A short pause. "STRIIIIIIIDDDEEERRRRRRR!"


"Have no fear, Frodo! I’m coming to save all you ugly little hobbits!" shouted Valkyra/Aragorn as she came running with an armful of snowballs.

She started throwing snowballs left and right at anyone who looked her way including Jadea. She then cried out, "Don’t worry! Legolas! You cute little pointy-eared elfin thing! I’ll protect you from those faceless riders!" She then threw snowballs at Seriana and Thalia.

Soon everyone was chasing Valkyra/Aragorn. As she ran near Celosia, she stopped, grinned and took aim. Celosia/Gandalf looked at her sternly and decreed, "Throw even one snowball at me and you get latrine duty for a week!"

Valkyra pouted, "But I don’t wanna be Strider! I want to be Galadriel, Lady of the Golden Wood. After all, I already have the golden hair and the blue eyes and I am already beautiful.


"Ohhhh, Valkyra! Or Aragorn or Galadriel, whatever you are!" Valkyra turned around just in time to get a big puffy snowball right in the kisser. She wiped the snow from her face to reveal a grinning Thalia and Seriana.

"Eee!" The elf and Amazon took off and hid behind trees as Valkyra glared at them.

"The Lady of the Golden Wood does NOT take kindly to assaults!" Valkyra shouted. "Guards!"

Nothing happened.

Valkyra turned to Celosia/Gandalf. "I don't get guards? She had guards in the movie!"

Celosia shrugged. "Not enough pointy eared Amazons!"

"Fine" Valkyra scooped up handfuls of snow and ran off.

Celosia continued to sit upon her stump, playing with her bubble pipe, contemplating what it was to be Gandalf. She was so lost in thought she didn't hear the soft 'shhh!' behind her.

WHAP! She was barraged with snowballs from all sides. "Amazons!" She shouted as Thalia, Jadea, Seri and Valkyra giggled. Brandishing her staff, she sent snowballs flying into each Amazon.

"No fair, she gets magic! I don't get guards and she gets magic?" Valkyra brushed the snow off of her.

"Two can play at that game!" Thalia/Legolas bent the front of one of her arrow and mounted a snowball onto it.

"Oh shoot," Celosia/Gandalf started to run, but Thalia quickly shot it right at her, smacking the Amazon Wizard in the backside.


Jadea stood up and waved her hands around. "Poof!" she cried. "There - I now pronounce you, Valkyra, are Galadriel! Now - Would the REAL Aragorn PLEASE stand up? And get your butt over here! I'm covered in snow!


"Since everyone else is here, I'll be Aragorn. Just . . . what does Aragorn do?" Cassia asked from the sidelines.


"Way to go Cassia. I'm glad you feel like jumping in. Aragorn he . . . well . . . he stomps around a lot and waves a big long stick. Okay, it's a sword. Jadea thinks he's kind of ‘rough-looking’." Celosia remarked.

"But not in a bad way! I never said in a bad way!"

"Okay, ‘rough looking in a good way.’ Is that even possible?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"Um. So, yeah. Anyone else got any character traits to add?"


"Well, he's very committed to helping Frodo destroy the ring, and to saving his kingdom. He’s afraid of his weakness, which might tempt him to take the ring and . . . well, we never really play much in character anyway! Legolas is just . . . well, he's Legolas. I got pointy ears," Thalia shrugged.


Celosia/Gandalf came to a scrambling halt, then turned back to Thalia/Legolas and placed her hands on her hips.

Thalia/Legolas quickly recognized that look and took off running, sprinting into the forest and up a tree. Unfortunately, Cassia/Aragorn hadn't been with the tribe long enough to realize that Thalia/Legolas was in biiiiiiiiggg trouble.

She followed Thalia/Legolas to the tree she had climbed. "Thalia/Legolas, what are you doing in the tree?" she asked innocently enough. Thalia/Legolas tried desperately to quiet Cassia/Aragorn, waving one arm rapidly while gripping to the tree, but it was too late. Celosia/Gandalf had figured out where she was.

"Oh Thalia/Legolas," Celosia/Gandalf cooed. "Get your behind down from the tree and face your punishment like an Amazon/elf!"

Thalia/Legolas grimaced and slowly climbed down, only to have Celosia/Gandalf grab onto one of her pointy elf ears and begin dragging her back to the middle of the camp.

"Ow! Celosia/Gandalf, that hurts!" Suddenly, Thalia/Legolas found herself flying toward the ground as Celosia/Gandalf held up the prosthetic pointy ear that had been attached to Thalia/Legolas's head.

"Oops," Celosia/Gandalf said.


Moments earlier, Samsara and Karma watched Celosia/Gandalf drag Thalia/Legolas to the middle of the camp. She smiled to herself and adjusted the fur on her body.

"Well, there's my opportunity," she whispered to her daughter. She charged toward Gandalf - at this point holding a prosthetic ear in her hand - and tackled her, screaming, "IT'S A BOMB! IT'S A BOMB!"

Everyone stopped for a moment, frozen in their tracks. "A bomb?" some said, confused.

"NOW!" Samsara/wise shouted. What seemed to be thousands of snowballs came crashing down on the Queen from the hands of many Teloans. Samsara/wise got up just in time and ran to Thalia/Legolas, scooping her up and dashing away.

A great laughter filled the crisp air as Samsara/wise put down the elf. The Goddess was laughing hard, so hard in fact that she didn't notice everyone had stopped laughing. A minute later, she realized something was amiss. She turned around only to be greeted with a ton of snowballs from her Themiscyran sisters, including Thalia/Legolas.

"TRAITORS!" she shouted, collapsing under the weight of the snow. "I'll get you for this!"



Lord of the Twisty: The Two Catapulted


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