Editors note: Posted December 23 2002, this is a 'crossover'
of Amazons and 'Lord of the Rings.' What follows has been edited
for clarity, but does contain modern phrasing, much humor, and a
lot of love.
Celosia was back. And that could only mean one thing.
"Fly you fools," Samsara screeched. "She's
back with that Lord of the Rings crap." Verily, Amazons
scattered, running to and fro across the camp and behind the
"Figures," Celosia said. "Never doubt that
Amazons will stand up to Romans, Vikings, or Majie, but try to
cast them as characters in a much-beloved and well-intentioned
retelling of Lord of the Rings, and they run like little
"Some of us are still smarting from the prosthetic
pointy ear you pulled off last year," a voice yelled from
Celosia smiled. She now knew exactly where Thalia was hiding.
"Come on now, there will be no pulling of prosthetic pointy
ears this year, I promise."
Warily Thalia stuck her head up. A stray twig stuck in her
hair. "Do I have to wear prosthetic pointy ears this
"What are you thinking? Of course you do. But you're not
the prancing Elf this year, if that makes you feel any
better," Celosia said.
"I'm not?" Thalia brightened.
"No, you're Pippin this year," Celosia said. Thalia
groaned. "The casting this year is as follows: Yakut is
Frodo, Thalia will play Pippin, Seriana will play Merry, and
Selena is Sam."
At this news, Samsara rejoiced, glad to be rid of the glue
and fur that had covered her feet last year.
"Samsara will play Gollum," Celosia continued. Sami
attempted to sneak off but was caught by Valkyra.
"If one of us has to do this, we all have to do
this," Valkyra said. "And I for one am not about to
make Celosia angry if we don't play. She might disappear... no
wait, she already did that."
"Valkyra, you will be Aragorn again, and Deoris, you
will be reprising your role as Gimli, however your new Legolas
will be Ryka."
This being the first time Ryka had ever met Celosia, she
wasn't sure whether to be happy about playing an Elf or whether
she should just be confused like the rest.
Celosia continued. "I, of course, will play Gandalf, the
wise and often absent wizard, while my dear sister Medea will
"Hey wait, Boromir died last year," Jadea said.
Celosia nodded. "Yes, and that is why my sister, who is
not here, will play him. Venlusia, Zia, and Cassia will play
Ringwraiths, and Morigan and Soraya will be our Uruk-Hai
representatives." Looking up from her scroll, Celosia
asked, "Are there any questions?"
Much like last year, many Amazon hands shot up. "Good,
no questions, we'll get right down to the rules."
"Rules?" Samsara asked. Sami was never much one for
rules. "Whoever heard of rules in a play?"
"Oh didn't I tell you? You're not doing a play,"
Samsara brightened at this. "We're not?"
"No. It's a game. Consider it a training exercise if you
will." The older members of the tribe groaned; Celosia was
famous for her insane training exercises.
"This is what I like to call 'The Amazons do ‘Lord
of the Rings’ playing Hide and Seek.'"
"We're playing ‘Hide and Seek’? That's your great
training exercise?" Thalia asked.
Celosia narrowed her eyes. "Would you like to be fed to
"Hey, wait a second. You forgot about me," Jadea
"Ah, yes, my dear Jadea. You will play Arwen, the Elven
Princess, in love and pining for Aragorn's pants-- I mean,
Valkyra raised her hand. "Celosia, I'm not too sure
about Jadea fitting in my pants. I mean, I'm a head taller than
she is, and she'll trip--"
"Valkyra, it's an expression. It means, she wants
Aragorn, and not in the 'let's-go-take-some-prisoners' way--
although you never know," Celosia winked at a blushing
"Moving right along, here are your assignments. Frodo
and Sam, or Yakut and Selena, whichever you prefer, you will be
looking for Mt. Doom--"
Samsara snorted. "They're looking for a mountain? Like
that would be hard."
Celosia's eyes narrowed. "Would you like to be fed to a
"Depends. What's a Balrog?" Samsara asked. "Is
it a god? Does it want my ambrosia? My precious ambrosia?
I'll kill it, I will!"
"Samsara, I'm so proud of you, getting into your
character already. You, as Gollum, are looking for Frodo and
Sam, because they have the One Twisty, and you want it. Arwen,
you're looking for Aragorn -- Jadea, put down that silk rope,
you'll scare Valkyra -- while Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas are
looking for Merry and Pippin. Merry and Pippin, a.k.a. Seriana
and Thalia, are looking for . . . anyone, but they can't be
found by anyone." Seri and Thal looked at each other, then
rolled their eyes. "Ringwraiths, you are looking for Frodo
"Yes?" Samsara asked.
"What?" Celosia asked Sami.
"What?" Samsara asked Celosia.
Celosia stared at Samsara. "The Ringwraiths are looking
for Frodo and Sam--"
"What?" Samsara asked.
"Yes?" Celosia asked Samsara.
"Did you say Sam?"
Celosia thought back. "Yes."
"What did you need?" Samsara asked.
Celosia bit her lip. "Nothing. I was talking about Sam,
the character. Not Sami, the evil Goddess-Amazon
"Ringwraiths, looking for Frodo and Sa--"
"Ye--" Samsara began to interrupt, but was cut off
by the apple thrown at her head.
"Celosia," Thalia said. "Can I be excused? I
need to use the little Amazon's room."
"Yes, yes, but be quick about it. The Ringwraiths are
looking for the other two Hobbits that are not Merry and
Jadea raised her hand. "Who's not marryin' Pippin? Is he
cute? He could come live here for a while." The slightly
lonely Amazons of the tribe all perked up at that idea.
Celosia set her jaw and looked at the screen. "Why are
you typing this crap?"
The author paused, her fingers mere millimeters away from
typing another stupid line. "Um . . . It's Christmas break.
What else am I going to do?"
"I don't know, give me actors I can work with?"
Celosia's foot began tapping. "Give me talent, give me a
good script, give me someone who understands what I'm trying to
The author folded her arms. "Would you like to be fed to
Samsara raised her hand again. "What's a Balrog?"
"Quiet!" Both Celosia and the author yelled at
Samsara. After several seconds of glaring and no typing, Celosia
finally caved in. "Fine." She turned to her ex-tribe
and explained. "Not marrying Pippin, Merry and Pippin. Two
hobbits, one is named Merry, and the other Pippin--"
"OH, I know this joke," Deo said. "Two hobbits
walk into a bar--"
Celosia smacked her forehead, then screamed. "Quiet! All
of you! Ringwraiths, search for Frodo and Sam, Gollum search for
Frodo and Sam. Frodo and Sam, search for Mt. Doom. Arwen, search
for Aragorn, putdownthefuzzyhandcuffsJadesohelpmeArtemis,
Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, search for Merry and Pippin, Merry
and Pippin, search for anyone else but don't get found,
Uruk-Hai, search for Merry and Pippin but don't find them.
Boromir, look for a bucket to empty out your rapidly sinking
death boat, and I, Gandalf, will look for an aspirin."
Selena tentatively raised her hand. "An aspirin is a
type of potion one takes when one has a headache," Celosia
said. Selena lowered her hand, as Jadea raised hers. "No,
Jadea, you will not need your papaya-flavored body lotions
today." Jadea sighed, forlorn, and lowered her hand, as
Samsara raised hers. "A Balrog is a demon made of shadow
and flame, and no you can't kill it." Samsara stomped her
foot, as Valkyra raised hers.
Celosia couldn't figure out what Valkyra might be asking.
The Regent looked thoughtful. "Well, I think we're a
pretty open-minded tribe here, and if one of the hobbits wants
to marry that other hobbit, Pippin, I think we should be
supportive." Other Amazons nodded their heads, as Celosia
buried her face in her hands and wept with frustration.
Finally, Celosia had managed to get all the participatory
Amazons to settle down and agree to play. She set Yakut, Selena
and Samsara off to the east side of a stream -- which, in
reality, was merely a rivulet of mulled wine Jadea had knocked
over while demonstrating her proficiency with a whip -- while
almost all the others were on the west side of the stream.
Venlusia, Cassia and Zia were at the bottom of the stream, ready
to run and search for Yakut and Selena when Celosia yelled
Selena and Yakut were trying to figure out where to put the
One Twisty when Samsara jumped on Yakut from behind. "They
stole it, and we wants it," she said in a harsh, raspy
voice, while Selena stared in shock. Finally, both Selena and
Yakut managed to subdue Sami, and they tied a thin piece of
Jadea's silk rope around Samsara's neck.
"You know," Sami said, abandoning her Gollum voice
for the moment. "This isn't the first time I've been tied
up." Yakut and Selena merely rolled their eyes.
"Go, lead us to Mt. Doom," Selena said.
Samsara stared at the two "hobbits." "It's a
mountain. You can't find a fricking mountain?"
Yakut shrugged. "I don't know, Celosia just told us to
go look for Mt. Doom. If you can find the mountain, where is
"Don't you have a map?" Sami asked.
"If we had a map, would we be looking for the
mountain?" Selena asked. She placed her hands on her hips.
"Get down!" Yakut whispered loudly as she pounced
on Selena and Samsara at the same time. Venlusia, Cassia and Zia
were passing near the bushes they'd crouched behind.
"What's a hobbit?" Venlusia asked.
"Well, a hobbit is this little creature, who gets fur
stuck on its feet, and pointy ears. At least, that's all I
remember from last year," Cassia said.
"Ah," Venlusia said. "So why are we looking
Cassia shrugged. "Apparently, we're looking for the One
Twisty. It's important or something." The
"Ringwraiths" passed right by the shrubbery where the
"hobbits" and "Gollum" lay crouched.
"Right, now, off to Mt. Doom. I'll just teleport us
all," Samsara said.
Yakut yanked on the rope tied around Samsara. "Now wait
just a minute. We don't even know where this mountain is, but
you think you can teleport us?"
Samsara stared. "Yeah. You think I can't?"
Selena nodded. "Well as a matter of fact--"
Suddenly, Samsara launched herself at Selena, reaching for the
other Amazon's throat. Yakut, still holding on to the end of
Samsara's rope, fell on top of the three. Soon, after much
grappling and rolling around on the dirt, the two Hobbits and
Gollum were tied up together.
"Something tells me this is not how Celosia wanted this
game of ‘Hide and Seek’ to end," Sami said. "Ow,
Yakut, you're stepping on my foot."
Meanwhile, on the west side of the stream...
"Merry, I think we're lost in the forest," Thalia
said. Seriana looked at her.
"You really get into your character, don't you?"
she asked. Thalia nodded. "Well, what do you want to do
now? We've seemingly escaped the Uruk-Hai--"
"DUCK!" Thalia grabbed Seri's arm and pulled her
down as Morigan and Soraya ran by.
The two Amazons stood up again. "Okay, now we've escaped
"DUCK!" Again, Thalia threw Seri to the ground as
Valkyra, Deoris, and Ryka ran by.
"They were looking for us, Thal," Seriana said.
"Yeah, but Celosia said we weren't to be found,
remember?" Thalia pointed out.
Seriana remembered. "Oh yeah. So now-"
"DUCK!" Seriana hit the ground before Thalia could
grab her. Thalia grabbed her stomach in laughter. Seriana
glowered at Thalia. "What was that all about?" she
"Just wanted to see what you'd do," Thalia managed
between bursts of laughter. Seriana wasn't amused. As Thalia
wiped the tears from her eyes, she said, "I'm hungry. What
are we going to do about breakfast?"
"We already had breakfast." Seri answered.
"We had one, yes, but what about second breakfast?"
Seriana stopped in thought. "I don't know about that. I
do know we're supposed to climb a tree though."
"Well how about this one?" Thalia asked as she
begin climbing up what seemed to be a tree. Seri shrugged and
followed. They settled into a nice little hollow in the branch
of the tree.
"Is the tree supposed to move?" The Amazons noticed
that their "tree branch" had been slowly inching
Seriana bit her lip. "Not to my knowledge," she
said. Seri looked closer at the tree they'd decided to climb.
"Oh-" Seri breathed out, barely audible.
"my-" Thalia began to finish the thought.
"CATAPULT!" They screamed in unison as the lever of
the catapult swung down, and the two Hobbits were launched into
From her vantage point, Celosia watched the two arc through
the sky and cringed when she heard a dull thud.
"Well," she said to herself, as she took her bubble
pipe out of her mouth. "We finally found a use for the
Valkyra, Deoris, and Ryka stopped in mid-stride when they
heard the two hobbits scream. "Well, now we know where the
Hobbits we're looking for aren't," Deoris said, her words
muffled by the big red beard.
"Should we turn around and go find them?" Ryka
Valkyra thought for a minute. "Nah. We're not supposed
to find them in the end. Let's just go find someone else to play
"What about them?" Deoris asked, pointing towards
Morigan and Soraya.
"No, silly," Valkyra said. "Those are
Uruk-Hai." At the mention of their group, Morigan and
Soraya turned to the three hunters and ran at them, full speed.
The three hunters, not as familiar with the story as Celosia
would have liked them to be, turned and ran, screaming.
Suddenly, Ryka stopped, and Deoris and Valkyra ran into her
"Why are we running?" she asked. "We outnumber
them. And we're the heroes, right?" Valkyra and Deoris
nodded, then all three turned and ran back towards Morigan and
Soraya. The "Uruk-Hai," realizing they were
outnumbered, turned and ran away.
Jadea perked up as she saw Valkyra running by with Aragorn's
sword. She took off running after the three heroes, but tripped
on her long elf dress. "Dammit," she said.
"'Gorn! Wait for me! I've got a feather boa-"
A rustle in the bushes made Jadea stop what she was saying
and lay low to the ground. Three pairs of men’s boots --
attached to legs, of course -- stepped out into Jadea's line of
vision, under the bushes.
One of them spoke. "Hey Orlando, did you see those two
girls go flying through the air?"
The one called Orlando spoke back. "Yeah, Dom, I did. I
wonder what that's all about. Viggo, you got any ideas?"
Jadea's eyes opened wide at the mention of Viggo. She rolled
until she was behind a tree, then stood up carefully. Sure
enough, she was spying on Viggo Mortensen, also known as
Aragorn. She slowly pulled her knife from its sheath, and cut
her long Elven dress right above the knees. She replaced the
knife, pulled out her fuzzy handcuffs, and then launched herself
at the actor.
Celosia had seen the three actors approach. She turned to the
Author yet again. "What is this crap you're pulling
"Hey, Jade asked me to write him in-"
"Is Jade in charge of the tribe or am I? Don't answer
that." The author rolled her eyes. "Just go on,"
Later on, when the game had been wrapped up (and Sami,
Selena, and Yakut unwrapped up), the other Amazons would wonder
where Jadea had gotten off to, and why there was a sudden
shortage of holiday marshmallows. But for the time being, they
were content to play out their parts until Celosia got bored and
The game was over, but not for two poor little Hobbits that
the Amazons neglected to tell they were no longer playing.
"Shhh, do you hear anyone?" Seri hushed.
"Yeah. It's quiet. TOO quiet." Thalia looked
"It's getting dark."
"I think I hear people."
"Quit that!" Seri elbowed her. The two Amazons
peeked out of the bush.
"Shhh, stop making noise!" Seri hit 'Pippen'.
"Ow, I'm NOT making noise!"
"Then who's rustling those leaves?"
The two Amazons turned around to come face to face with . .
.Orlando and his companions.
The Amazons screamed, but stood rooted in place.
"Umm... hello?" Orlando was confused as the two
women continued to scream. "Can we help you?"
Thalia and Seriana stopped and exchanged glances. Oh, he
could help them all right!
"We've been seeing some strange things going on."
Orlando continued. The two women before them were very
attractive, though their very hairy feet threw him off a bit.
"We saw something fly through the air earlier..."
"Oh that was u-ow!" Seriana rubber her ribs where
Thalia elbowed her.
"Oh, probably just a griffin or something." Thalia
waved her hand. "Now enough about us, let's hear about
"Uh, m-me?" Orlando blinked as the women advanced
upon him. "I- I don't think-"
"I saw him first!" Seriana pushed Thalia to the
"You did not, I did! I claim dibs!" Thalia grabbed
Seriana and pulled her back, before running to Orlando. He found
himself sandwiched between the two Amazons, each clinging to his
arm very tightly.
"So, been here long?" Seri cooed, stroking his
Orlando tied to inch away, but with the Amazons' vice-like
grip it was to no avail. "Uh, Viggo? Help!"
"Mmmph mrph," Viggo's voice was muffled by Jadea's
mouth on his, his hands bound by fuzzy handcuffs.
"Hey, are those Marshmallows?"